A short note on Idealism

I suffer from an overdose of idealism. It's hard. I can't help but feel that my idealism is my character flaw. It kills every deal. It's my stumbling block. It's caused me so much heartache and bitterness, and a lonely self-perception, that I utilise fantasy as a form of escapism, and to interrupt painful thoughts, or unhappy reality. It's really no wonder idealism and depression go hand in hand. (Scratch off idealism, and underneath is a person who loathes oneself, and the next moment loves oneself.)

It's exhausting. It's the enemy of the good. Which is why I believe idealists and perfectionists have a hard time receiving love. They aren't good enough to receive love. Or, the love they are receiving isn't good enough for them. Either way, idealism is a hard way to live out your humanity. Explains why I have reality avoidance issues right now, and only the imaginary ideal beckons me.

"I have met many people who were once idealists. When they lose their fantasies, 
they often retreat into depression or attack whatever damaged their illusions." - Musa Kramny

The idealist in me

Being an idealist is hard. Sometimes, or many times, even heart breaking. Especially when people bursts your "bubble". Last time this happened, was a couple of weeks ago, and I decided to walk home crying in the rain. I even lied I was getting a lift, because I needed that alone time. (It conveniently happened to pour down bucketfuls that evening! And it was quite comforting.) I have a struggle to see reality for what it is, and the idealist within me feels insulted by the challenge that it is not seeing reality for what it is.

Being ever the intuitive dreamer, I had a saying that made my friends chuckle -"reality is overrated". (Reality, then pays revenge by slapping me in the face.) I often feel a sense of separation, and am misunderstood being childish and even stupid, because I find it difficult to deal with hard facts, logic and impersonal judgements.

"Good enough" is another theme that makes the idealistic side of me cringe. It's a concept I have been struggling with, but is the only concept I have found that brings me peace. Another concept that goes hand in hand with idealism is perfectionist, so you perfectionists might understand what I am talking about, as much as the idealists do.

This is why every project I take on disappoints me. I got into creative work because I know I have good taste. But there is this "gap" that frustrates me. What I do is good, has potential, but it's not. But my taste is still pretty awesome! Hence, I'm disappointed in myself. Sometimes, I never get past this phase and lose motivation, and quit. It explains the reason I'm failing at the moment. Or sometimes I don't try too hard, or put my heart into things I do. That way, I won't be as disappointed.

I have trouble completing tasks because it cannot meet my standards. I also have problems working on a project in a group, because my standards are different, and I end up giving up my ideas for the harmony of the group, avoiding any conflict.

So what does this mean for the future of the idealist side of myself? It's tough to negotiate with a part of me that doesn't want to negotiate. I'd wish to end this post by saying I have it figured out. But I really don't. But you know what? I can't help thinking this could somehow be my greatest strength, if God made it to be.