Indication of my lack of willpower

1. I keep eating. 'til you lay my head on the pillow. And I can't stop eating salted pistachio nuts and kinder buenos.
2. I keep opening new tabs. On the internet. New tabs. I already have Gmail, Facebook, Stumbleupon, Blogger, Youtube, style.com, etc. open. There is not a tab that I can now open that I do not already have open. And I've been completely updated on each of my feeds. Which means that I have to start working on the thing that I’ve ostensibly been “working on” since I’ve opened your mac book. Wait — I'm opening a new tab! But have nowhere to go! 
3. I keep going out to eat. I have salad and kimchi and stew and frozen pizza and meatballs and chicken soup , and eating out costs like 400 percent more than eating in. Yet I’ve been having dinner out every night this week. And I'm already broke. I need to stop this. Or else it's goodbye to end-of-year trip.
4. I keep looking at the internet despite the fact that you’ve been looking at, ostensibly, ‘nothing,’ for the past hour. Just shut the laptop down. Just shut. It. Down. Look at you — you’ve been doing nothing! You’re just refreshing websites! Or googling "persimmons constipation". You could be finishing your masterpiece or answering that important email that is constantly at the back of your mind! You could be tweaking your portfolio or catching up with your friend! (This is Bearemy scolding me.) Technology has destroyed my willpower.
5. I keep watching youtube videos. I hop on a youtube train, and can't hop off. I have been watching reaction videos for the past hour...
6. I keep buying overpriced clothing. Whoa — a $65 t-shirt? A $170 shorts? Did I just temporarily convince myself that these purchases were totally justified and not at all putting me in danger of going destitute and living the rest of me life in a cold, miserable halfway house? We’re on a budget, woman! What are you doing? You need money for that Asia trip you're planning on!

Winter break '12

It's just over a week until it's officially winter. Here is my approach to winter 2012.

How I will be starting off my winter break:

Hibernating with Bearemy for 2 days, to catch up on my Z's.
Physiotherapy - mouse hand RSI, neck and shoulders.

Reading 'James and the Giant Peach' by Roald Dahl.

Dropping off my CV at Marcs.

What I will be wearing this winter (default winter outfit):
Italian wool duffle coat (Cue, $549) with leather patches and gunmetal toggles and buttons. This classic outerwear taps into childhood nostalgia, and really reminds me of Carey Mulligan in 'An Education' - in other words, quintessentially British.
Black opaque tights. Black leather aviator jacket. Faux fur.

What I am looking forward to this winter:
Staying in and enjoying the comfort of music, knitting and baking. Blowing mist out of my mouth. Visits to the local library. Catching up on Mad Men. Not falling asleep 'til early morning (no, not insomnia. It's called internet connection).

What I am not looking forward to:
Cold feet. Preparing for the next semester of study. Stuffy rooms and commute (cars, buses, trains) from heater. Dry skin. Probably, longer work shifts.

10 Confessions

It's been awhile since my last list of "confessions". Here's one for 2012:

1. Every once in a while, I actually consider ditching everything and travel the world-Eat, Pray, Love-style. But with my savings account, and a lack of funding, I held off.
2. These days I smell winter in the icy breeze, and am overwhelmed by nostalgia, which takes me back to the snowcopalypse months I went through in New York. I yearn it more so because it was an amazing journey where I matured, and God literally had me in His hands the whole time. So thankful to be reminded of His faithfulness, and how He takes you on great adventures.
3. I've only very recently prepared myself to accept that maybe everybody is only just believably special. Maybe "unicorns" don't exist but only in my rose-coloured world. (Unicorns = unbelievably, breathtakingly, fascinating, amazing people.)
4. I often take lengthy walks in the rain to "find myself", but end up crying, usually to melancholic Coldplay (The Scientist, Warning signs, In my place, Fix you, Trouble).
5. Time Machine (back up external drive by Mac) is my life-saver.
6. It has occurred to me that very few people have the ability to make me truly angry, so, if anything, it's a compliment to those people if I get angry at them. Shows that I care.
7. "The Notebook" is a classic, and will never get old on me.
8. I really want a new hairdo, or new piercing, or new something, only because it's new or because it's a change. I love change. I love new-ness.
9. I am grateful for realist people in my life who yank my hair to come down from the clouds. Thanks mama.
10. I was just thinking... if luxury labels brought out crew neck sweaters with their logo/name-written-in-block-letters emblazoned on the front, they would make an absolute killing. Everybody loves those 80's Chanel, Kenzo, YSL sweaters. They should re-release them!

The idealist in me

Being an idealist is hard. Sometimes, or many times, even heart breaking. Especially when people bursts your "bubble". Last time this happened, was a couple of weeks ago, and I decided to walk home crying in the rain. I even lied I was getting a lift, because I needed that alone time. (It conveniently happened to pour down bucketfuls that evening! And it was quite comforting.) I have a struggle to see reality for what it is, and the idealist within me feels insulted by the challenge that it is not seeing reality for what it is.

Being ever the intuitive dreamer, I had a saying that made my friends chuckle -"reality is overrated". (Reality, then pays revenge by slapping me in the face.) I often feel a sense of separation, and am misunderstood being childish and even stupid, because I find it difficult to deal with hard facts, logic and impersonal judgements.

"Good enough" is another theme that makes the idealistic side of me cringe. It's a concept I have been struggling with, but is the only concept I have found that brings me peace. Another concept that goes hand in hand with idealism is perfectionist, so you perfectionists might understand what I am talking about, as much as the idealists do.

This is why every project I take on disappoints me. I got into creative work because I know I have good taste. But there is this "gap" that frustrates me. What I do is good, has potential, but it's not. But my taste is still pretty awesome! Hence, I'm disappointed in myself. Sometimes, I never get past this phase and lose motivation, and quit. It explains the reason I'm failing at the moment. Or sometimes I don't try too hard, or put my heart into things I do. That way, I won't be as disappointed.

I have trouble completing tasks because it cannot meet my standards. I also have problems working on a project in a group, because my standards are different, and I end up giving up my ideas for the harmony of the group, avoiding any conflict.

So what does this mean for the future of the idealist side of myself? It's tough to negotiate with a part of me that doesn't want to negotiate. I'd wish to end this post by saying I have it figured out. But I really don't. But you know what? I can't help thinking this could somehow be my greatest strength, if God made it to be.

Not caring about what people think of you

Not caring what people think is the hokey pokey to getting through each and every day. I think not caring about what people think comes after liking yourself. I'm not exactly sure but I think learning to do either will help with the other. I don’t feel like the most qualified person to talk about this, but I don’t know what it would take to be the most qualified. 

I really respect people who wear what they want because, in order for this to work, you have to be courageous. Or at least, at first, appear to be. (I have to, like, brainwash myself a little bit sometimes.) You have to challenge anyone who gives you a funny look with a look of your own. Or don’t acknowledge them at all, and they’ll stand there a little dumbfounded. Maybe eventually they will grow up and realize how stupid it is to care about how other people look, and expect people to care that they care. If someone comments on your horn-rimmed glasses, or cheek piercings, you don’t have to take it personally. If they glare at your polka-dot bell-bottoms, who cares. They're the ones who didn't recognise a Lanvin vintage. Do you know what I'm saying? It's also ignorance.

I think most people are afraid of taking risks in dressing and styling because they’re afraid people will be like, “OH, SO YOU’RE ALL ARTSY NOW?” Nobody will say this if you act like it’s no big deal. What such people don’t get is that most people who wear outfits that stand out, or is different to what everyone else is wearing, or wear vintage clothes don’t think of themselves as artsy, they’re just exploring and trying to define their taste instead of being someone who likes whatever is handed to them for fear of being mistaken for pretentious. 


People are afraid of trying to be creative because they’re afraid that they won’t succeed, but who said your “success” in getting dressed has to be evaluated by other people? As long as you’re into what you’re wearing and it makes you more comfortable with yourself, it doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you’ve put together a perfectly composed outfit or not. Actually, the effect of your confidence will only add to how stylish your outfit seems. It’s like the best catch-22 ever!

It's no wonder I'm so attracted to people who dress 'different' or even, outrageously, and doesn't care if he's got a red bowl-cut or a grey mohawk! And shallow, narrow-minded people who judge others and put them in boxes based on how they look really push my buttons.


Anyways. It will always be harder to get to be someone who doesn’t care about what people think, but that’s why you’re a tiny little awesome warrior for even trying. And isn’t that kind of exciting? Go forth, tiny warrior, and conquer!

Films I want to see now

I remember after I had posted this list about two years ago, movie buddies started to appear from everywhere. Now I am going to try again. Anybody want to see any film on this list avec moi? Instadate me! Before I go off seeing it alone, as per usual, and you miss your chance of spending time with awesome me.


A dangerous method



Carnage



Martha Marcy May Marlene



Romantics anonymous

Mixtape: Being productive

I tend to put mandatory tasks off until I’m out of time and running around, stressed and grumpy in a The Devil Wears Prada kind of way. “I don’t have time for this!” I might yell to my assistant. "And where is my skim double-caff extra-whip latte?!” "I need someone to babysit Bearemy tonight!" (I like pretending to have a personal assistant.)

I tend to find every little thing distracting and way more interesting. And everyone seems to be having a good time, according to Facebook. Staying focused and self-disciplined is not my best quality. I'm a pro procrastinator. Yet, somehow I've discovered that by playing the music, I have an easier time being productive. It’s similar to how some babies stop crying when you turn the vacuum on. I have deadlines to meet, so ciao! P.S I just spent the last hour on Facebook and making this playlist, while I could've done some research. Yep, that's me.

001 SUCH GREAT HEIGHTS :: Dylan and Victoria
002 ROMEO AND JULIET :: The Killers
003 NEW SLANG :: The Shins
004 HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY :: Fleet Foxes
005 DISTRICT SLEEPS ALONE TONIGHT :: Postal Service
006 IN THE ROOM WHERE YOU SLEEP :: Dead Man's Bones
007 HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN :: Jenny Owen Youngs
008 GREY OR BLUE :: Jaymay
009 CALAMITY SONG :: The Decemberists
010 HIGH AND DRY :: Radiohead
011 NO CARS GO :: Maxine Cyrine (Arcade Fire cover)
012 UNINTENDED :: Muse
013 SET A FIRE :: United Pursuit
014 BLESSED :: Hillsong
015 PILEDRIVER WALKTZ :: Arctic Monkeys
016 SPARKS :: Coldplay
017 LIFE IN TECHNICOLOR II :: Coldplay
018 BLUE :: Big Bang
019 FICTION :: B2ST
020 BUTTERFLY :: G-Dragon
021 SHE'S ELECTRIC :: Oasis
022 THE SWEET ESCAPE :: Gwen Stafani
023 CLOSE TO ME :: The Cure

Monthly Recap: February '12

It's back. My monthly highlights and laundry lists of just random things and stories that is quintessentially me so that I can laugh at myself or indulge in a little self-pity. Because I'm just good at making lists.

Music stuck on repeat:

• Ne me quitte pas - Regina Spektor
• Be be your love - Racheal Yamagata
• Undisclosed desires - Muse
• Transatlantism - Death Cab for Cutie
• Crooked teeth - Death Cab for Cutie
• Back in time - Lyn

Laundry list of things memorable about the month:

• Announcement of the cancellation of House. Devo. I don't think this news has sunk in entirely. Saying goodbye after 8 years ain't going to be easy, although not a hard as dealing with the tragedy that was the end of Friends. 
• Romantic Valentine's day evening on the grass gazing at stars, while eating chocolate dipped strawberries. Coming home, I thought, the only way it could've been lonelier is if the internet stopped working.
• Seeing "The Artist" at a local cinema by myself early one glorious sunny Sunday morning.
• Lulu, my sister cat, is preggers! Yay, kitten-nieces and kitten-nephews soon!
• Death Cab for Cutie in Sydney.
• New iPhone 4s. White.
• Robocop movie marathon. (I'm excited about the Robocop remake!)
• Making plans to elope to New York city after I graduate.
• I really do miss NY.
• Linsanity.
• New professeur de français. Enjoying awkward yet amusing French lessons with a fob frenchman.
• My mom practically memorising the French alphabet due to my daily annoying singing of "c'est l'alphabet en Français!"
• The dreaded end of holidays. Back to school. Oh, the joy of getting up early for a 8am class.
• I went shopping with a gay friend of mine, who actually is super Vogue intern skinny, and saw him try on an XL t-shirt. On his waifish body, it actually resembled Olsen-twin-chic, but on me it just looked puffy and strange. Seeing him swim around in the shirt like a jellyfish, I realised that's what it was supposed to look like. Lesson learned.
• Goodbye summer. Goodbye to days where the weather sticks to your body like glue, and you complain about the humidity to anyone who will listen, because it's what you're supposed to do.
• Heeeeeeeelllooooo autumn!

Book(s) reading:

• The Help - Katherine Stockett

Currently obsessed with:

• BOOM!! SHAKALAKA!!! *fangirl mode*
• The moon that embraces the Sun. I'm so emotionally attached to this series and the characters that I almost explode from waiting for it to air every week. (FYI, exploding fangirls are one of the most dangerous creatures in the world after the boxed jellyfish and the king cobra!)
• Kenzo, Burberry Prorsum, Marcs by Marc Jacobs and Carven's Fall 2012 collection at Paris fashion week.
• The 1960's. Mad Men! Pan Am! Also, conveniently this season's fashion trend!
• Cue Clothing Co's winter campaign.
• Improvising cookie recipes.

Three things I'm thankful for:

• Pre-mix cupcake/ cookie mixes at supermarkets
• www.solarmovie.au
• Jeremy Lin

Mixtape: Les filles qui chantent en français

Confession: a part of the reason I learned French in the first place is because singing along to these songs just looks so fun, like Carey Mulligan's character in An Education (beautiful film with a charming soundtrack). I like ingesting a box of pretty macarons, and pretend I'm in a Sofia Coppola commercial.

001 SUR LE QUAIS DU VIEUX PARIS :: Juliette Gréco

002 SOUS LE CIEL DE PARIS :: Juliette Gréco

003 L'ADDORDEONISTE :: Edith Piaf

004 LA VIE EN ROSE :: Edith Piaf

005 NON, JE NE REGRET RIENNE :: Edith Piaf
006 DANS MA RUE :: Zaz
007 LA PLUIE :: Zaz
008 LA FEE :: Zaz
009 ROUSE-ROUSE :: Christie Laume
010 C'EST LA MODE :: Annie Phillippe
011 SYMPATHIQUE :: Pink Martini
012 C'EST PETITE RIENS :: Colbie Caillat
013 MOI JE JOUE :: Bridgitte Bardot
014 EN DOUCE : Baquette Quartet
015 PÊCHES A LA CRÈME :: Dorine
016 COMME UN GARÇON :: Sylvie Varton
017 LAISSE TOMBER LES FILLES :: France Gall
018 LE TEMPS DE L'AMOUR :: Francois Hardy
019 ROLLER GIRL :: Anna Karina
020 LAISSE MOU :: Chantal Goya
021 LA MER OPALE :: Coralie Clément
022 ONDULÉ :: Matthieu Boogaert
023 EXPRESSION :: Helen Jane Long

My wiser and wider self musing on life

This is going to sound like the musings of an incredibly odd person, who is in bed, eating pistachio nuts and mozzarella cheese, while watching Cyrano de Bergerac (1990) but having to constantly rewind because I want to repeat funny French phrases (such an amusing film!), but...

Life is so very weird, yet fascinating. For example, I now both eat and enjoy the taste and scent of coriander. And I've gotten accustomed to celery. Only in juice for now. But who knows, soon I'll be dipping celery sticks in onion dip. But you get what I’m saying? Big news. Life is funny, it’s like, one minute you’re on Knick's reserve bench, and the next you sweep the world with Linsanity. (I actually love him! He's Lincredible!) You know? The funny thing about life is that things don’t seem to change day by day. You wake up and think, I have to do this same stuff again. But when you think really far back, there was a time when you weren’t doing that stuff. Somehow everything changed. 

A lot has changed for me within the past year. I've seemed to have grown, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and sideways. I even look different physically, in that my waistband has expanded, I have an extra chin, and I've almost given up on my hair. And my head constantly hurts. I think it’s because beneath my skin, is a layer of fat, And beneath my fat, is a fine layer of fear and stress.

I just want to know what’s going to happen. Where will I be next year? Actually, no, that’s too far ahead. Where will I be next month? God, can you spoiler alert my life? I can't spend tomorrow's money, celebrate tomorrow's achievement, or resolve tomorrow's riddles. But I have today. My wiser (and wider, LOL) self is telling me to stress less, trust more, and be grateful. Resolve to do the same the next day, and the next, and the next. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. Building life, one good day at a time. Yes, that's what I'll do...

Hollywood in the trenches

I always love drama and romance in a WWI backdrop. I'm actually learning more about shell shock, mustard gas, trench rats, the battle of Somme and the Spanish flu pandemic in 1918, than I did in my modern history classes back in high school. I feel so enriched! Plus, I love these period piece films because of the military costumes and posh frocks. I mean, I was having a huge fashion meltdown recently, while watching Downton Abbey season 2:
"OMG, Mary's beaded dress, and gloves, and the whole outfit OMG."
"OMG, Mary's red dress at dinner."
"OMG, Mary's black dress with sheer sleeves."
"OMG, wow."
"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHMYGAAAD, Mary's OTHER black dress and jewels!"


Movies I've been watching that inspired this post: 
War horse (2011)
Atonement (2007)
In love and war (1996)
Legends of the fall (1994)
A very long engagement (2004)
Joyeux Noël (2006)
Now, can we all let out a collective *sigh* at how hard it must've been to have a loved one away at war - in a time with hardly any communication? It just makes my social-media-addicted-heart break.

Sources: empireonline.com, imbd.com, google image search

Midnight in Paris

Today was a wonderfully rainy day, so naturally, I decided to snuggle up with Lulu the cat, download swing jazz music, and give Woody Allen another chance. And I'm glad I did. Midnight in Paris (2011) is a charming and sentimental film about a struggling novelist, Gil (Owen Wilson), a man who, like moi, also thinks rain makes everything beautiful, wanders the streets of Paris, and at every midnight, an antique car pulls up and transports him to the 1920's era. He encounters Cole Porter, Josephine Baker, Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, Pablo Picasso, T.S Eliot and Salvador Dalí (sexy Adrien Brody). And with his new found love he is further transported back to the 1890's Moulin Rouge where they meet Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Paul Gauguin, and Edgar Degas! Oh my goodness, I love Edgar Degas! With so many funny lines by famous (dead) artists, writers, surrealists, I give this movie a rating of all the stars Vincent Van Gogh ever painted!


After the movie, I got thinking, I'd like to visit one of those "nostalgia shop" the modern characters talk about. And I'd also like to have a 'Midnight in Paris' moment too. Paris in the Jazz Age really does sound enticing, as does Paris in the 1940's - that's probably the one I'd pick. But I'd also be intrigued by Vienna circa 1900, London in the 1590's, first century Rome and New York City in 1960's. 
So, what is historical era would you like to visit?

My unlikely BFF

There are certain things you just don’t tell your mother opting instead to inquire about her work day or grandma’s chicken broth recipe. You gloss over the explicit details of reality and give mummy a pleasant, counterfeit version of you. This is not me and my mum (my mum and I?). I will come home late from a long emotionally exhausting day and will even wake her up from her sleep if i have to, to talk and confide in. I know it's weird but I'm lucky. Our relationship is due in part to my irrepressible honesty, transparent emotions, childish dependancy, and unashamed announcements. I’ve had a hard time concealing anything from my mother since the year 2000. But I also blame her open, accepting (of my childishness), annoying-"tell-me-what's-wrong", and shocking-"she-is-not-your-friend" temperament.

My mum just is the cool (calm, and collected) mum, but doesn’t have to say it or wear pink sweatsuits to prove it. She's reserved and nowhere like Mean Girls' Regina George's mum or that Asian mother in Hot Chicks ("Ling Ling! You forgot your bling bling!") She's not shallow, nor is she into shopping for clothes and pretty china plates. Not that that's superficial or anything. And I realize this makes me insanely lucky. Her coolness compels me to want to hang out with her, and it’s sometimes hard to explain to friends that you’d rather watch a drama series with mum at home than... be at a lot of other places.

I realize I’m extraordinarily fortunate to have the mum I have and not everyone has the privilege of a ready-made BFF. We will test each other of how far we can push each other's buttons (to the point of making her converse in the toilet while I'm pooping because "it's important!"). We will call each other names. We will have wildly hilarious conversations of "would you still loved me if...?" We will role play (last night, I the jazz singer, mum the chorus girl. This morning, I the barista, mum the cafe owner). We can’t help ourselves—that’s just how BFFs roll. Make fun of Bearemy, my teddy-bear of a son, and she'll get you!

Muse: Fanning Sisters

 

 Sources: fanningsisters.tumblr.com, google image search