I am 23, going on 13

This has almost nothing to do with the Sound of Music. Let me just say that apparently I’m 30 going on 13. I don’t know what happened but I’ve suddenly broken out like a pubescent teenager. Mind you, I was blessed with clean and clear skin all throughout my high school years. Hormones, stress, perhaps my new foundation? It's kind of good news because I was terribly worried, no feared, that I was asexual or had the "gift was singleness", but apparently. Seems like my hormones have have pumping, and I've become more... perverted? Noticing things my innocent eyes have never quite caught... like adam's apples... and thighs. 

Fangirling and giggling over pubescent boys.
Daydreaming about pretending to be a boy at a all boys school /dorm to the beautiful you-she's the man style.
Everybody goes through a rebellious stage as a teenager. I never had that. I'm going through it now.

I love it when male idols are asked who their ideal types are. It makes me absolutely giddy. It makes me want to call up my best friend and tell her exactly how I sorta, kinda fit into my bias’ ideal box. It’s embarrassing, yes. But before the rational, analytical part of me goes crazy coming up with reasons why the concept of ideal types is ridiculous and frivolous, I remind myself that it’s okay to fangirl because K-pop is just that: ridiculous and frivolous.

Indication of my lack of willpower

1. I keep eating. 'til you lay my head on the pillow. And I can't stop eating salted pistachio nuts and kinder buenos.
2. I keep opening new tabs. On the internet. New tabs. I already have Gmail, Facebook, Stumbleupon, Blogger, Youtube, style.com, etc. open. There is not a tab that I can now open that I do not already have open. And I've been completely updated on each of my feeds. Which means that I have to start working on the thing that I’ve ostensibly been “working on” since I’ve opened your mac book. Wait — I'm opening a new tab! But have nowhere to go! 
3. I keep going out to eat. I have salad and kimchi and stew and frozen pizza and meatballs and chicken soup , and eating out costs like 400 percent more than eating in. Yet I’ve been having dinner out every night this week. And I'm already broke. I need to stop this. Or else it's goodbye to end-of-year trip.
4. I keep looking at the internet despite the fact that you’ve been looking at, ostensibly, ‘nothing,’ for the past hour. Just shut the laptop down. Just shut. It. Down. Look at you — you’ve been doing nothing! You’re just refreshing websites! Or googling "persimmons constipation". You could be finishing your masterpiece or answering that important email that is constantly at the back of your mind! You could be tweaking your portfolio or catching up with your friend! (This is Bearemy scolding me.) Technology has destroyed my willpower.
5. I keep watching youtube videos. I hop on a youtube train, and can't hop off. I have been watching reaction videos for the past hour...
6. I keep buying overpriced clothing. Whoa — a $65 t-shirt? A $170 shorts? Did I just temporarily convince myself that these purchases were totally justified and not at all putting me in danger of going destitute and living the rest of me life in a cold, miserable halfway house? We’re on a budget, woman! What are you doing? You need money for that Asia trip you're planning on!

"what is this" set-apart life

In my unforeseen, but surprisingly sacred season, hashing out disappointments and confusion with Jesus, there’s a desire to please Him welling up, leading to taking more risks, all the while while nervous about the many Red Seas to cross (matters of steps of faith in finances, security, calling and future marriage). I have found myself in the dreaded position of sudden loss of community, deeper debt, unemployment, and pain of being on the other side of "friend culling". Let me talk in Exodus references, because that's how I'm feeling connected and encouraged right now. Hope you follow. (FYI Christian Bale Mose is my favorite Moses)

The Israelites straight out of Egypt experienced the Lord’s incredible kindness through daily provision of manna. Manna1, transliterated as מן mon is Egyptian for "what". Thus, "what is this" became the name of the mystery food. And an astonished "what is this?" is precisely my reaction every time I see money in my usually empty account. From 4 years of fundraising experience, I've learned that to have to wait for God’s provision is actually a blessing. A YWAM and missionary lifestyle is completely dependent on it! What a privilege it is to be in a vulnerable place where I have to wait for Him to provide, and personally familiarise myself with Jehovah Jireh.2 

But I still feel as far away from my destiny as Midian was from Egypt. I’m 28 and my plate appears full with social pressures to get “a real job”. And a husband. With a job. And from some people, after hearing news of my deportation, I’ve had to deal with opinions, titles, worth, disappointments and “what’s responsible”, a.k.a what other people think is responsible. I know my parents are concerned right now with what is going to become of their unstable daughter. And this week, I was able to look into their worried eyes via facetime-- worried for many other reasons beyond my non-paycheck and ghetto neighbourhood, and say to them “I can’t forget the goodness of God’s leadership in my life all these years." Because I remember His faithfulness. I want to pioneer taking risks with Him outside of a society’s expectation for the next generation to follow. I want my future children with edgy unisex or Hebrew-inspired names to know and hear God in an ever-changing and boisterous world. I can’t change the world if I don’t know how to follow Jesus. I can’t change the world without the Word, “the book that transforms nations”.

I have dreams dropped into my heart. I am becoming aware (or in relevant terms, woke af) of the injustice and depravity of this world, not unlike Moses’ eye-opening witness of the cruel mistreatment of Hebrews.3 So I get impatient. I get frustrated. I get frustrated with frustration and cry all the time, especially when there’s a whole lot of nothing is going on. I just have a meaningless fashion degree (which theoretically, is outdated if you don't put it to good use in 2 years)! How can I make a difference? How can I make a living doing what makes my heart happy? How do I bring His Kingdom? I remember a beautiful bible teacher/scholar/wise-woman, Debi Yu once said during a lecture, “our world is not what it should be.” And that one line pierced my heart. I really care so much about this generation stepping into everything God has called us to. I care about people being loved and treated fairly. I care about the stewardship of this world. But I still feel stuck in limbo, burdening those around me, and helpless to things tugging at my heart.

But this is what I know is true, and will suffice. #TRUTHBOMB Even if I don’t see anything happening right now... Even if it just looks like I’m stuck in limbo (and waiting for the kick), He is going to lead me to the “Promised land". I am waiting to see God make things happen in my life that He’s spoken to me about and proving Himself great. So I’m holding fast to His promises. Trusting in His name; His identity. Remembering who He is. Trusting in His faithfulness; His loving kindness. Trusting that just as God of Moses led Israelites out of Egypt with His angels leading them from front and ‘having their back’ at the rear of camp as they were being chased,4 that He would be good at His job of leading as my Shepherd and defending me from behind.

Part of my conclusion, if you're still following my spaghetti trail of thoughts, comes down to living a life "set apart" a.k.a holiness7. (It's in quotation marks because I'm still figuring out how, like... practically.)  I can’t take anything on without being different, being set apart. I think people who really understand this truth change the world! Remember when God calls Abraham to holiness? He says, and I paraphrase, “Be holy! Be uncommon! Through you, all people of the world will be blessed! Through you, all people will know who I am!” That's it! I want to be holy! Through me, I want people to be blessed. Through me, I want people to know who He is! And if it was God’s original design for Israel, a chosen people group, kingdom of priests, a holy nation, to represent God5, then it is God's original design for you and me. So, let's figure out this "set apart life" together. Because it’ll fascinate people, it’ll challenge people, it’ll inspire people, it’ll maybe/sometimes/perhaps/probably offend people, but it’ll ultimately draw people to Jesus. 

1 Exodus 16:15

2  or Yahweh Yireh. It means “The Lord will provide” in Genesis 22:14. It is the name memorialised by Abraham when God provided the ram to be sacrificed in place of Isaac.

3 Exodus 2

4 Exodus 14:19

5 Exodus 19:6

6 Genesis 16:19

7 Holy = uncommon, different, set apart, unique. "Be holy, because I am holy" (Lev. 11:44; 1 Pet. 1:16).

Things I need to stop doing in 2013

Instead of new year resolutions I don't keep, usually because I forget about it by February, I made a list of things I should STOP doing (for the new-improved-tight-arsed-me):

1. Buying bottled water. I've probably spend as much money on bottled water as my phone bill last year. It has got to stop.

2. Forgetting to use my loyalty cards. I always forget to hand over my loyalty cards to punch off my purchase, which can lead to a FREE!!! something. I'm not made of money, and can not just nonchalantly ignore these cards. I know I'll be the annoying butt-crack to the person behind waiting, but I won't care. In 2013, I will find the card! And save the money!

3. Ordering overpriced salads. I swear, I order a salad with like four ingredients, and I'm paying $19. This year I will make my own salads.

4. Forgetting to actually take the cash out of the ATM machine and walking away (my idiocy has caused me to do this countless times), for a passing druggie to pocket it for more drugs, and overdose and collapse in a gutter. For his sake! I will remember to take the money I withdraw!

Text Messages from 2012 I will never delete

During pre-smart-phones era, I had a Nokia that saved all data in a sim card, but could only hold a limited amount. This meant, once in a while I had to aggressively discard data to receive new ones. And of course, there were always some texts that I refuse to erase! If today, say I had to go through that agonising process (an opportunity to reflect on the past year), these are some of the texts I would save because of personal reasons:

• It's freakin scary walking back at this time. in this area. Wish I had a get-out-of-rape-free card.

• I realized today that my "fat jeans" have become just jeans.

• I wouldnt want you to change from the very core of your being no? And 'just the way you are' not merely a song...

• Our friendship would transcend time, space and fictional universe! Lol

• Thats it. Get your infrared binoculars and coffee. We are pitching our tent outside Gosling's penthouse. Fanboying hard right now.

• And you know what the best spell is? Obliviate. If something hurts us we can simply erase that painful memory from our minds

• I need to watch a how to party video. Not even makeup. Just party.

• Can we do thanksgiving next year???

• Introverts unite!!!!!! .....Individually.

• Tumblr is down. I repeat, tumblr is down!!!!

• I shall live vicariously through your "pool" parties hahaha

• Sorry I didnt call you back. I had diarrhea splashed on the tie you picked out for me. All good now

• I sniffed my banana like a pervert before i took a bite

• I will be on tv, I will be your worried friend who has to do an interview. I'll cry and be like her teddy bear is taking her away!

• I know someone who has bipolar. You'll be fine. And never doubt your creativity! :)

• Oh wow... very proud of you for confronting reality. Pat on the back! So proud!

• word of advice, never be too nice to a guy, men are very simple creatures. u might break someone's heart one day. and u might get hurt too

• WTH My mum told me she was scared those hawking mothers were going to introduce you to their sons! WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?

• If you could harness all that vibrato in les mis, what could you do with it? could you power a city?

• I don't even have a vagina but I'll gladly see anything with Ryan Gosling in it. He's that good.

Male Muse: Roger Radcliffe

I watched 101 Dalmations (1961) last night, and this Disney classic has left me in a nostalgic coma. It's funny, watching something like this after  a decade and a half. I don't remember it being this upsetting while watching this as a kid, oh, but cry I did last night.

Also. I can't believe it has taken me all this time to realise how much of a cartoon babe Roger Radcliffe is. He's a bachelor music composer. He's funny. He's romantic. He loves dogs. He's kind. He's incredibly charming. He's tall (lean, long limbs!). He has nice hair (subjective). And he really rocks skinny slacks and sweater vests (not easy). I can't believe I've overlooked this insanely attractive songwriting hipster gentleman!

He's made me want to meet my future husband when our clever dogs' leashes tangle together in a park.

What you learn as a fashion intern

1. Your job description includes assembling IKEA shelves, scrubbing the bathtub, scooping cat poop, counting size pips for 9 hours, and keeping a straight face while standing in front of a male model and pulling up his pants. 

2. Fashion bosses (e.i. head designers, head of departments, editor-in-chiefs, creative directors, head buyers, etc) can get away with a level of eccentricity that cannot be fathomed. At one place I interned, my boss always had to have fresh flowers in her hair. Freshly-picked, every morning.

3. You'd be naive to think you'll be paid, and go home on time. And because you so badly want to make it that you don't say no. You just want to keep your head down and work. You're so enthralled to be in the presence of these people and you want them to remember you, and you don't say no because then you'll be blackballed. That's just how the industry has operated for a really long time.

4. If your boss is a total Devil Wears Prada, don't take it personally. Just do your job and then vent to all your friends (or tumblr) about it.

5. Everybody looks fabulous and has fresh, flawless skin. HOW DO THEY DO IT?! It must be a secret I have yet to learn.

6. Somebody in your intern group will be flamboyantly gay. Or have a coke problem. Or is a Satan-worshipper. Or is a total bossy-boot and act like they're the one in charge.

7. Steaming and ironing is an art form only few can master.

8. Be 10 steps ahead of your boss, otherwise you suck as an intern.

9. You cannot be starstruck. It's not cool. Feigning indifference is key. Elle McPherson is in the office? Big deal. Miranda Kerr? Miranda who? Sending dress out to Nikki Minaj? Okay, whatever.

10. Everyday is a holiday. Begin all emails with "Happy ________!!!"

11. Everything needs to be done IMMEDIATELY or the world will come to an end.

12. Everybody will hate you if you bring any fried food into the office. One time, I brought some hot chips (i.e. french fries) and gosh, did I get some serious high fashion side-eye.

13. Fashion people don't like timid people. So don't be nervous. I self-hypnotise that I am emotionally bulletproof.

14. You will make mistakes. You will make a hundred mistakes. You will get yelled at for said mistakes. You will get yelled at a hundred times. Don't quit, or you'll look weak.

15. If you don't want to waste time/energy/emotional stress, get coffee orders right the first go. If she says "steaming hot", make sure it is actually too hot to touch, and use a cup-holder to carry it.  If she says "four ice", she means "four ice cubes that are still cubes and floating, even if you have to walk a few blocks in the heat wave to deliver her non-fat iced latte."

16. People are going to gossip. Don't gossip back.

17. You need good friends that aren't necessarily in the industry that you really trust to keep you sane. Sometimes the experience is so outrageous, the kind of things interns couldn't tell their personal circles about. It's very belittling.

Symptoms of an unhealthy relationship with your cat

There won't be much of a middle ground. People will totally get it, or think I'm craycray. I'm aware, I might be CRAZYABOUTCATSOHEMGEEWHYSOCUTECRAZYCATLADY.

You worry about your cats' feelings:
I truly believe all animals have feelings. There'll be days I look at my cat Lulu and can just tell she's not in a good mood. Like, just kind of, sad, really. Maybe because last night I shrieked at her for bringing in a dead mouse which she intended as a gift, and I refused to let her in. I bet her feelings are hurt about that. And there was that time I accidentally kicked her face and she was in so much shock. I felt like crap for hours! I mean, I don't know, maybe though, right? Which makes you think that...

You wonder if your cat is being bullied, and if so, what to do about it:
Bullying is a serious problem, people! I know I saw the neighbour's cat give my cat Lily the stink eye from his balcony. I know that cat is definitely communicating some hateful and jealous stuff about Lily. It all starts with the parents! It's time for me, as Lily's aunt, and them to sit down and have a talk, as far as I'm concerned.

Your cat throws up, and you panic:
Cats throw up furballs almost all the time. But when your cat throws up, and makes that awful noise, it's like oh no oh no oh no what is happening here? Please, don't die on me! And within minutes, she's hopping around like Bambi, and taking shots of wheat grass from the pot plants.

You're jealous when your cat sleeps with other people:
Because of all the cute things they do with you at night, like cuddle up under your armpits, then crawl up and sleep on your neck, you can't help but be a little (okay, majorly) jel.

You get separation anxiety:
Sure you can go to dinner with friends, go to parties, even holidays for a week. You're having a great time, but deep inside... you're like I MISS THEM SO MUCH I WISH THEY COULD TEXT ME =(

You 'gram your cats all the time:

@callmenaomi

 

You realise you've been talking about your cats for 10 minutes non-stop to a stranger:
I could go on and on and on...

On being nocturnal

Uberfacts on twitter tweeted "People who stay up later at night are likely to be more intelligent than those who go to bed early." Thus, empowering(?) me to write this post about being nocturnal, and the persecutions that come with not being a jolly morning person.

In theory, I get it. I get the whole "daylight is the time we get our stuff done". But to the famous white man in a curly white wig who centuries ago came up with, "The early bird gets the worm", I have to say "Nay good sir, the early bird doesn't get to lay in bed, play with his iPhone, listen to music, check his email, and sip coffee. The phrase sucks!" This is why the lives of night owls like myself are open for public shaming. I can rise and shine. Just not at the same time. Aside from having "hating-life"-mornings to deal with when between the hours of 6 and 10 a.m., I’m just trying to get my bearings in a world that is at least 3 shades too bright and won’t stop making loud, unfriendly noises.

Then there always a Miss/Ms/Mr/Mrs. I-go-jogging-at-six-every-morning who will be like, "Geez, long night last night?" Um, well. All of my nights are long, morning people. Not because I was out clubbing, but my brain seems to be over-active at the hours between 11pm and 3am. It's the time I want to talk, to read, to blog about the meaning of life, to jump on the bed, to make tea, to catch up on Downton Abbey, to eat pistachio nuts, to keep track of  #GoslingWatch on twitter, to play with my cats (also nocturnal animals), and to cry over The Pianist soundtrack. (Not to mention the 25 other things that keep me up at night.) That doesn't mean that I'm trying intentionally to stay up past my bedtime, it means I'm a prisoner to my own internal clock.

Yes, I have accepted that society demands of me a relatively early start time. And yes, I have given myself over to the idea that I will be running on society's schedule, and not my own. All I ask is that morning people, be kind to night owls. We're not usually this grumpy. (We might just be a bit more intelligent than you.)

I should marry Bruce Wayne. He's definitely a night person.

Confessions: The Turning Twenty-four Edition

1. It's the job of every twenty-somethings to feel old.

2. I'd still rather eat anything saturated with sugar for breakfast.
3. I'd trade partying with a cup of tea and a book. (Just typing that sentence made me feel so old, I swear my fingers started to feel arthritic around the words "cup of tea".)

4. I still get pimples.

5. Sometimes my body aches. Like for no apparent reason.

6. I am still looking for friends.

7. I understand more jokes. Like when I watched The Lion King recently, I got all the jokes, and the deep stuff, that I never remembered seeing.

8. I still cry. Way more.

9. People appreciate the things that make me different.

10. I realise it's all about who you know not what you know.

11. I lick my fingers to turn the pages of a book. I used to think it was gross. Now it comes naturally.

12. It's now illegal for me to drive without contacts or glasses.
13. I wake up looking like my driver's license photo. Eww.

14. I'm still completely delighted by Starbucks Christmas cups every year.

15. I have daily moments of nostalgia. Almost anything can trigger it. And it kills me.
16. I'm sad I have not taken enough risks with my youth.
17. That taut young body I once took for granted in high school is disintegrating before my eyes.

18. I've learnt that the definition of bravery is having diarrhoea and chancing a fart
19. I complain about "kids these days blah.. tween these days blah blah" (By all account, I'm not that old, but that doesn't stop me from complaining about teenagers.)
20. I've perfected the Irish goodbye. It's a move you pull when you're at a gathering/party/bar/event/etc and because you're a tired (physically & psychologically) old soul, you slink away into the corner, then RUN out the door when nobody's looking. 

Signs you seriously need more sleep

This week, I'm paying off my sleep debt, while going through painful, painful, painful caffeine withdrawals, and recovering from my consecutive all-nighters. And being a OCL (that's obsessive compulsive list-maker), I've come up with this -"Signs you seriously need more sleep". Because it was the story of my life.

1. Your under-eye dark circles luckily mistaken for a sexy, new make-up choice.
2. You confuse things with what happened in dreams two months ago.
3. Your skin feels dryer than a camel's hoof, your hair is a bird's nest, and smells like dry shampoo.
4. You eyelids feel like they're being pulled down by weights, like in cartoons.
5. You day dream that people will one day evolve from away from sleep.
6. You cry over small things, like missing the train, because you're so exhausted and frustrated.
7. Your pillow hasn't had a head-sized dent in weeks.
8. Your vision gets blurry, like Monet paintings.
9. Your brain is caffeine and sugar sodden.
10. Your nastiest guilty fantasy involves fluffy pillows, soundproof room, and passing out for uninterrupted days.
11. You think that you might just slip into a coma.
12. You're on some kind of high at 4am, and find yourself ROTFLMAO-ing at your friend's ex's friend's wedding photos on Facebook. (I swear I'm not usually that terrible of a person!)
13. You feel slightly comforted when you ask fellow students in your degree "Do you sleep?" and they respond with a quizzical frown, "Sleep? What is sleep?" #Godblessourcreativesouls 

Tweet me if this is you @K_NaomiLee