Complicated post for complicated feelings

Oh my goodness, I have so many feelings. Too many and complex to even identify. And they keep coming in like waves. I sing. I sulk. I awe. I panic. I happy sigh. I sad sigh. I laugh (at your Facebook photos. And your friends' photos. And their wedding photos. Only because I'm high on energy drinks around 2 in the afternoon, and I don't realise what a meanie-poo-face I'm being). I've been really juvenile and selfish as of late.

This post probably won't even make any common sense to you. I just feel overwhelmed with dread and weariness about life deadlines, school deadlines, email replies, personal commitments, important decisions to be made, courageous conversations to be had, judgements to brush off, lecturers to prove wrong, kilo's to lose, clothes to model, presentations to present, macbook to fix, stereotypes to break, a doctor's appointment, plus eight million other things. It’s pretty amazing how incapacitated you can get. What are you supposed to do? But what ends up happening in times like these is ironically, nothing. Like, when you’re overwhelmed and your attention is taxed, you try and run in 17 directions at once, and as is to be expected, don’t move far in any of them. So you sit and throw a tantrum, and then get distracted by Ryan Gosling's flawlessness or a sudden urge to commute to the airpot and eat eggs benedict, buy a milk steamer, and get a new piercing, only to take it out after a couple of months because "it's gets in my way". And probably get a new complicated hairstyle for complicated feelings.

It's like one moment I'm having an anxiety attack, (do you remember in Sex and the City season 4, they had to rip apart Carrie's wedding dress because she was having a panic attack and she was hyperventilating and her body suddenly erupted in rashes? It was just like that. But in a public toilet and not a wedding dress) and the next moment my eyes light up about my favourite things, and seeing The Sound of Music and Captain Von Trapp in the holidays. I love that film more than raindrops on roses, (but not more than whiskers on kittens)! Often, I heart-breakingly grieve for my loss of innocence and child-like wonder (I don't know if this is normal or it's the Peter Pan complex), then I'm eerily at peace. Followed by eye-of-the-tiger-confidence, head-butting into what I must do in life. Hence, in my moment of feeling something between glee and anticipation, I've compiled a list of books/films I have to see/read to run away from reality to read during my 3 week winter break with Bearemy.

George's Marvellous medicine, Roald Dahl
James and the Giant peach, Roald Dahl
The Perks of being a wallflower, Stephan Chbosky
The Magicians, Lev Grossman
The Stepford wives, Ira Levin
The Turn of the Screw, Henry James
Secret Window, 2004
Big Fish, 2003
Lost in translation, 2003
Up in the air, 2009
Spirited away, 2001
Zodiac, 2007
Annie Hall, 1977
Big, 1988
The English Patient, 1996
The Phantom of the Opera, 19-I-don't-know-which-Broadway-version
The Sound of Music, 1965

10 Confessions

It's been awhile since my last list of "confessions". Here's one for 2012:

1. Every once in a while, I actually consider ditching everything and travel the world-Eat, Pray, Love-style. But with my savings account, and a lack of funding, I held off.
2. These days I smell winter in the icy breeze, and am overwhelmed by nostalgia, which takes me back to the snowcopalypse months I went through in New York. I yearn it more so because it was an amazing journey where I matured, and God literally had me in His hands the whole time. So thankful to be reminded of His faithfulness, and how He takes you on great adventures.
3. I've only very recently prepared myself to accept that maybe everybody is only just believably special. Maybe "unicorns" don't exist but only in my rose-coloured world. (Unicorns = unbelievably, breathtakingly, fascinating, amazing people.)
4. I often take lengthy walks in the rain to "find myself", but end up crying, usually to melancholic Coldplay (The Scientist, Warning signs, In my place, Fix you, Trouble).
5. Time Machine (back up external drive by Mac) is my life-saver.
6. It has occurred to me that very few people have the ability to make me truly angry, so, if anything, it's a compliment to those people if I get angry at them. Shows that I care.
7. "The Notebook" is a classic, and will never get old on me.
8. I really want a new hairdo, or new piercing, or new something, only because it's new or because it's a change. I love change. I love new-ness.
9. I am grateful for realist people in my life who yank my hair to come down from the clouds. Thanks mama.
10. I was just thinking... if luxury labels brought out crew neck sweaters with their logo/name-written-in-block-letters emblazoned on the front, they would make an absolute killing. Everybody loves those 80's Chanel, Kenzo, YSL sweaters. They should re-release them!

I want to run away.

I want to run away from myself, everyone and everything. It doesn't matter where. But the Maldives islands have been tempting me for awhile. I want to run away. Or be a cat.

  

Source: dreamingofmaldives.com

A little bit of my bucket list

dye my hair platinum blonde
spend Thanksgiving in the states
Songkran water festival in Thailand
have my name and picture in a magazine or newspaper
be featured in someone else's blog
live in New York City
eat pizza in Italy
kiss on the Eiffel tower
bungee jump with my boyfriend/fiancee/husband
go to a Yankee's game
become friends with numerous strangers I meet on the street, in the elevator, the check-out-chick etc
speak to young women about self-worth and identity
undergo DTS in Switzerland
speak fluent French
witness an eclipse, even better a solar eclipse
write a book
be 49kg
fly and cruise first-class
visit and sleep in a castle in England
drive down route 66
touch down in all seven continents
collect russian nesting dolls and teddy bears
have a ragdoll cat and a golden retreiver as pets
watch every movie that won the Academy Awards best picture
become an early riser
sponsor someone who makes a big breakthrough in art, religion, science, or fashion
renew wedding vows every 10 years
have a library in the house
mentor someone in the fashion industry
be acquainted with Anna Wintour
open a cafe, sell only fair-trade coffee
set slaves and prostitutes free, let's abolish human slavery!
have lots of miraculous testimonies up my sleeves
audition for Project Runway 
eat escargot (french snail dish)
start a fashion trend, or 'it' item
sponsor and financially support the seven missionaries in my family
eat cheese fondue in Sweden
count down at Times Square on New Year's eve
take acting or singing classes
style a fashion editorial for a renowned publication
sit in jury of an interesting murder case
perfect a macaron recipe
capture my 'unicorn'

This may be my bucket list, but ultimately it will not bother me if I do not kick half these buckets. What will bother and truly disturb me is, if I have lived a life that did not make a difference in this world, or speak truth into people's lives, bring joy and blessing, love and serve as many people as I could, nor lived out my calling according to God's purpose.

My Appreciation Speech

I'm nearing the end of my independant 4 month long, soul-searching, spiritually maturing, physically transforming (widening) journey. And before I touch down home, I'd like to give my thanks to numerous people and things. According to my trusty Period Tracker (iPhone app that marks my PMS), I'm supposed to be feeling sentimental these days. Hence, I'm doing this now before the moment passes!



Thank you Eum sisters's families, for your unconditional love, never-ceasing encouragements, ever-flowing blessings, impartation of faith and boldness, lots of memories and crazy fun times.

Thank you beautiful newly weds, for a VIP dinner at the wedding reception (I was over the moon about free refills, and even doggy-bagged some home), and because you two promised to be a role-model couple and family.

Thank you handsome manager of Jinny Kim Shoes, for free cute shoes, buffet lunch, movie, Starcraft games, coffee, Korean BBQ, and transport in your strawberry-scented car.

Thank you poo-poo face cousin, for putting up with my, well, how should I put it, awesomeness, and even as far as to worry about my future husband. You were like the little brother I never had. Although, if you really were my little brother, I would burp into your ear whenever I got the chance.

Thank you 120% Cool Hair Salon, for my free hair perm. To be quite frank (who's Frank?), I wasn't too fond of my new look (understatement - I almost cried), but the curls have grown on me.

Thank you In&Out, for your weekly friendly hospitality, and intense, finger-trembling, games of Jenga.

Thank you big mama, for having me stay at your house and eat from your fridge.

Thank you Manhattan, for keeping my dream alive.

Thank you Starbucks, for being a friendly, familiar face whatever country I'm in.

Thank you Build-a-Bear Workshop, for helping me create my cuddly little friend Bearemy.

Thank you East-coast snow storm. Never had I literally walked waist-deep in snow. Unforgettable experience!

Thank you Panny Pan, for your detailed New York "must-eat" list.

Thank you Nick and Rozanne Savoca, for having me in your beautiful Long Island home.

Thank you Debs, Ange and Grace, for being lovely roommates at the YWAM base. God bless you.

Thank you La Maison du Macaron, for your scrumptious macarons, with egg shell-like crust, and soft meringue-like texture that makes me melt.

Thank you TKTS, for discounted tickets to Broadway shows. You made my day. No, you really made my holiday!

Thank you iPhone, for being smarter than me.

Thank you long-lashed angel that slept next to me on the cold and lonely night we were stranded at Penn Station. Your presense made me feel safe from the perverts.

Thank you Bro, for sending me dough (rhymes!) in my most urgent and desparate of times.

Thank you Mummy and Daddy, for always sending hugs and kisses my way, and being with me in prayer. In our daily phone conversations, Daddy, you lift up my spirit with encouragments, and Mummy, you leave me with warm and fuzzy feelings.

Thank you Kanye West, for not buttin' into my thank-you speech.

Thank you God, because there is always, always, always, something to be thankful for. And because it is impossible to feel thankful and depressed at the same time.