Complicated post for complicated feelings

Oh my goodness, I have so many feelings. Too many and complex to even identify. And they keep coming in like waves. I sing. I sulk. I awe. I panic. I happy sigh. I sad sigh. I laugh (at your Facebook photos. And your friends' photos. And their wedding photos. Only because I'm high on energy drinks around 2 in the afternoon, and I don't realise what a meanie-poo-face I'm being). I've been really juvenile and selfish as of late.

This post probably won't even make any common sense to you. I just feel overwhelmed with dread and weariness about life deadlines, school deadlines, email replies, personal commitments, important decisions to be made, courageous conversations to be had, judgements to brush off, lecturers to prove wrong, kilo's to lose, clothes to model, presentations to present, macbook to fix, stereotypes to break, a doctor's appointment, plus eight million other things. It’s pretty amazing how incapacitated you can get. What are you supposed to do? But what ends up happening in times like these is ironically, nothing. Like, when you’re overwhelmed and your attention is taxed, you try and run in 17 directions at once, and as is to be expected, don’t move far in any of them. So you sit and throw a tantrum, and then get distracted by Ryan Gosling's flawlessness or a sudden urge to commute to the airpot and eat eggs benedict, buy a milk steamer, and get a new piercing, only to take it out after a couple of months because "it's gets in my way". And probably get a new complicated hairstyle for complicated feelings.

It's like one moment I'm having an anxiety attack, (do you remember in Sex and the City season 4, they had to rip apart Carrie's wedding dress because she was having a panic attack and she was hyperventilating and her body suddenly erupted in rashes? It was just like that. But in a public toilet and not a wedding dress) and the next moment my eyes light up about my favourite things, and seeing The Sound of Music and Captain Von Trapp in the holidays. I love that film more than raindrops on roses, (but not more than whiskers on kittens)! Often, I heart-breakingly grieve for my loss of innocence and child-like wonder (I don't know if this is normal or it's the Peter Pan complex), then I'm eerily at peace. Followed by eye-of-the-tiger-confidence, head-butting into what I must do in life. Hence, in my moment of feeling something between glee and anticipation, I've compiled a list of books/films I have to see/read to run away from reality to read during my 3 week winter break with Bearemy.

George's Marvellous medicine, Roald Dahl
James and the Giant peach, Roald Dahl
The Perks of being a wallflower, Stephan Chbosky
The Magicians, Lev Grossman
The Stepford wives, Ira Levin
The Turn of the Screw, Henry James
Secret Window, 2004
Big Fish, 2003
Lost in translation, 2003
Up in the air, 2009
Spirited away, 2001
Zodiac, 2007
Annie Hall, 1977
Big, 1988
The English Patient, 1996
The Phantom of the Opera, 19-I-don't-know-which-Broadway-version
The Sound of Music, 1965

Winter break '12

It's just over a week until it's officially winter. Here is my approach to winter 2012.

How I will be starting off my winter break:

Hibernating with Bearemy for 2 days, to catch up on my Z's.
Physiotherapy - mouse hand RSI, neck and shoulders.

Reading 'James and the Giant Peach' by Roald Dahl.

Dropping off my CV at Marcs.

What I will be wearing this winter (default winter outfit):
Italian wool duffle coat (Cue, $549) with leather patches and gunmetal toggles and buttons. This classic outerwear taps into childhood nostalgia, and really reminds me of Carey Mulligan in 'An Education' - in other words, quintessentially British.
Black opaque tights. Black leather aviator jacket. Faux fur.

What I am looking forward to this winter:
Staying in and enjoying the comfort of music, knitting and baking. Blowing mist out of my mouth. Visits to the local library. Catching up on Mad Men. Not falling asleep 'til early morning (no, not insomnia. It's called internet connection).

What I am not looking forward to:
Cold feet. Preparing for the next semester of study. Stuffy rooms and commute (cars, buses, trains) from heater. Dry skin. Probably, longer work shifts.

10 Confessions

It's been awhile since my last list of "confessions". Here's one for 2012:

1. Every once in a while, I actually consider ditching everything and travel the world-Eat, Pray, Love-style. But with my savings account, and a lack of funding, I held off.
2. These days I smell winter in the icy breeze, and am overwhelmed by nostalgia, which takes me back to the snowcopalypse months I went through in New York. I yearn it more so because it was an amazing journey where I matured, and God literally had me in His hands the whole time. So thankful to be reminded of His faithfulness, and how He takes you on great adventures.
3. I've only very recently prepared myself to accept that maybe everybody is only just believably special. Maybe "unicorns" don't exist but only in my rose-coloured world. (Unicorns = unbelievably, breathtakingly, fascinating, amazing people.)
4. I often take lengthy walks in the rain to "find myself", but end up crying, usually to melancholic Coldplay (The Scientist, Warning signs, In my place, Fix you, Trouble).
5. Time Machine (back up external drive by Mac) is my life-saver.
6. It has occurred to me that very few people have the ability to make me truly angry, so, if anything, it's a compliment to those people if I get angry at them. Shows that I care.
7. "The Notebook" is a classic, and will never get old on me.
8. I really want a new hairdo, or new piercing, or new something, only because it's new or because it's a change. I love change. I love new-ness.
9. I am grateful for realist people in my life who yank my hair to come down from the clouds. Thanks mama.
10. I was just thinking... if luxury labels brought out crew neck sweaters with their logo/name-written-in-block-letters emblazoned on the front, they would make an absolute killing. Everybody loves those 80's Chanel, Kenzo, YSL sweaters. They should re-release them!

Male Muse: Young Michael Caine

Most young people think of Alfred the butler, but he made a bigger impression on me in his 1966 film 'Alfie'. Sir Michael Caine was one of the sharpest dressers in 1960's London. He eschewed the era's style in favour of the kind of restrained but energetic tailoring that's entirely relevant today. See him demonstrating the effect of a good suit on beautiful women.

The idealist in me

Being an idealist is hard. Sometimes, or many times, even heart breaking. Especially when people bursts your "bubble". Last time this happened, was a couple of weeks ago, and I decided to walk home crying in the rain. I even lied I was getting a lift, because I needed that alone time. (It conveniently happened to pour down bucketfuls that evening! And it was quite comforting.) I have a struggle to see reality for what it is, and the idealist within me feels insulted by the challenge that it is not seeing reality for what it is.

Being ever the intuitive dreamer, I had a saying that made my friends chuckle -"reality is overrated". (Reality, then pays revenge by slapping me in the face.) I often feel a sense of separation, and am misunderstood being childish and even stupid, because I find it difficult to deal with hard facts, logic and impersonal judgements.

"Good enough" is another theme that makes the idealistic side of me cringe. It's a concept I have been struggling with, but is the only concept I have found that brings me peace. Another concept that goes hand in hand with idealism is perfectionist, so you perfectionists might understand what I am talking about, as much as the idealists do.

This is why every project I take on disappoints me. I got into creative work because I know I have good taste. But there is this "gap" that frustrates me. What I do is good, has potential, but it's not. But my taste is still pretty awesome! Hence, I'm disappointed in myself. Sometimes, I never get past this phase and lose motivation, and quit. It explains the reason I'm failing at the moment. Or sometimes I don't try too hard, or put my heart into things I do. That way, I won't be as disappointed.

I have trouble completing tasks because it cannot meet my standards. I also have problems working on a project in a group, because my standards are different, and I end up giving up my ideas for the harmony of the group, avoiding any conflict.

So what does this mean for the future of the idealist side of myself? It's tough to negotiate with a part of me that doesn't want to negotiate. I'd wish to end this post by saying I have it figured out. But I really don't. But you know what? I can't help thinking this could somehow be my greatest strength, if God made it to be.