What you learn as a fashion intern

1. Your job description includes assembling IKEA shelves, scrubbing the bathtub, scooping cat poop, counting size pips for 9 hours, and keeping a straight face while standing in front of a male model and pulling up his pants. 

2. Fashion bosses (e.i. head designers, head of departments, editor-in-chiefs, creative directors, head buyers, etc) can get away with a level of eccentricity that cannot be fathomed. At one place I interned, my boss always had to have fresh flowers in her hair. Freshly-picked, every morning.

3. You'd be naive to think you'll be paid, and go home on time. And because you so badly want to make it that you don't say no. You just want to keep your head down and work. You're so enthralled to be in the presence of these people and you want them to remember you, and you don't say no because then you'll be blackballed. That's just how the industry has operated for a really long time.

4. If your boss is a total Devil Wears Prada, don't take it personally. Just do your job and then vent to all your friends (or tumblr) about it.

5. Everybody looks fabulous and has fresh, flawless skin. HOW DO THEY DO IT?! It must be a secret I have yet to learn.

6. Somebody in your intern group will be flamboyantly gay. Or have a coke problem. Or is a Satan-worshipper. Or is a total bossy-boot and act like they're the one in charge.

7. Steaming and ironing is an art form only few can master.

8. Be 10 steps ahead of your boss, otherwise you suck as an intern.

9. You cannot be starstruck. It's not cool. Feigning indifference is key. Elle McPherson is in the office? Big deal. Miranda Kerr? Miranda who? Sending dress out to Nikki Minaj? Okay, whatever.

10. Everyday is a holiday. Begin all emails with "Happy ________!!!"

11. Everything needs to be done IMMEDIATELY or the world will come to an end.

12. Everybody will hate you if you bring any fried food into the office. One time, I brought some hot chips (i.e. french fries) and gosh, did I get some serious high fashion side-eye.

13. Fashion people don't like timid people. So don't be nervous. I self-hypnotise that I am emotionally bulletproof.

14. You will make mistakes. You will make a hundred mistakes. You will get yelled at for said mistakes. You will get yelled at a hundred times. Don't quit, or you'll look weak.

15. If you don't want to waste time/energy/emotional stress, get coffee orders right the first go. If she says "steaming hot", make sure it is actually too hot to touch, and use a cup-holder to carry it.  If she says "four ice", she means "four ice cubes that are still cubes and floating, even if you have to walk a few blocks in the heat wave to deliver her non-fat iced latte."

16. People are going to gossip. Don't gossip back.

17. You need good friends that aren't necessarily in the industry that you really trust to keep you sane. Sometimes the experience is so outrageous, the kind of things interns couldn't tell their personal circles about. It's very belittling.

Symptoms of an unhealthy relationship with your cat

There won't be much of a middle ground. People will totally get it, or think I'm craycray. I'm aware, I might be CRAZYABOUTCATSOHEMGEEWHYSOCUTECRAZYCATLADY.

You worry about your cats' feelings:
I truly believe all animals have feelings. There'll be days I look at my cat Lulu and can just tell she's not in a good mood. Like, just kind of, sad, really. Maybe because last night I shrieked at her for bringing in a dead mouse which she intended as a gift, and I refused to let her in. I bet her feelings are hurt about that. And there was that time I accidentally kicked her face and she was in so much shock. I felt like crap for hours! I mean, I don't know, maybe though, right? Which makes you think that...

You wonder if your cat is being bullied, and if so, what to do about it:
Bullying is a serious problem, people! I know I saw the neighbour's cat give my cat Lily the stink eye from his balcony. I know that cat is definitely communicating some hateful and jealous stuff about Lily. It all starts with the parents! It's time for me, as Lily's aunt, and them to sit down and have a talk, as far as I'm concerned.

Your cat throws up, and you panic:
Cats throw up furballs almost all the time. But when your cat throws up, and makes that awful noise, it's like oh no oh no oh no what is happening here? Please, don't die on me! And within minutes, she's hopping around like Bambi, and taking shots of wheat grass from the pot plants.

You're jealous when your cat sleeps with other people:
Because of all the cute things they do with you at night, like cuddle up under your armpits, then crawl up and sleep on your neck, you can't help but be a little (okay, majorly) jel.

You get separation anxiety:
Sure you can go to dinner with friends, go to parties, even holidays for a week. You're having a great time, but deep inside... you're like I MISS THEM SO MUCH I WISH THEY COULD TEXT ME =(

You 'gram your cats all the time:

@callmenaomi

 

You realise you've been talking about your cats for 10 minutes non-stop to a stranger:
I could go on and on and on...

Pros and Cons of being a Cat lady

When my parents were away (I still live with my mommy and daddy), and Mr. Tom Flow came over, I was forced to stay home because my uterus was having spasms every hour. (I'm not too shy to tell people I have my period. One day it'll stop becoming gross, and just be normal.) Anyway, so I cooked my meals, and unfortunately gave myself diarrhoea, so then my bowels were having spasms every hour. While being alone and being a fully fledged certified crazy cat lady for a couple of weeks, this is what I learned.

Pros of being a cat lady
You freely walk around the house in just your t-shirt and knickers
You don't have to wash your hair everyday. Who's going to judge me? The TV? Ha!
You can stare at your cat and appreciate its beauty and cat-likeness, and thank God for creating them
You eat in bed and lying down on the couch
You eat all the chocolates that were Christmas gifts
Books and family movies and your cat are entertainment
Unshared company of cats and teddy bears. All to yourself, yay!
Closer relationship with your feline friends and teddy friends, and if you're lucky, they'll let you in on their secret conversations
You can eat as much cheese as you want
You can pee pee poo poo with the door open
(long-term) no heartbreak, no judgement, no disappointment
You can waltz around the apartment in high heels to your new Mad Men compilations


Cons of being a cat lady
You get people worried about you
You lose a sense of time
You eat continually and have no one to stop you (hang on, this is both pro and con!)
You start to pick at your face and create more or craters in your skin
Men think you're crazy or creepy or both
Cat's icky yucky stinky poo poo
Cat fur on everything you own
You get paranoid about whether you locked all your doors and windows at night
No one cleans after you nor even reminds you to clean (again, both pro and con)
Chances of you getting married is as slim as Kate Moss' waistline
Waiting for the new episode of your favourite show can be hard and you might explode
You have no one to go to the zoo/movies/teddy bear workshop/Harry Potter exhibition with
You develop pro antisocial skills
No one to zip up your dress (I went to a tea-party with the back of my dress unzipped until I could find somebody who would do it)
No one to clean up the dead rabbit/rat/lizard/snake/racoon/cockroach your cats brought in

25 Things that keep me up at night

1. Caffeine headache.  
2. Silence.
3. Reading. Getting very emotionally involved with books.
4. Fictional people's problems.
5. English toffee ice-cream calling my name from the kitchen.
6. Regret.
7. Re-committing to the 'tomorrow diet'. Because tomorrow is always a new day, hey!
8. Pistachio nuts. Salted and roasted.
9. Reflecting.
10. Too cold.
11. Too hot.
12. Where's Bearemy? 
13. The future.
14. Anxiety.
15. Praying.
16. Playing with the cats.
17. Anticipation.
18. Planning
19. Bowel movement.
20. Tomorrow's weather.
21. Tomorrow's outfit.
22. Tomorrow's lunch.
23. Excitement.
24. Imagining
25. List making. Just can't stop making mental lists. It’s like an OCD. Like washing hands constantly. Or eating pistachio nuts. I really cant stop eating pistachio nuts right now. Mmmm...

Dear...

Dear celebrity crush,
Please get on Facebook more often. It's hard to stalk someone who doesn't regularly update...


Dear leg hair and arm pit hair,
Please grow as slowly as my head hair. I'm pretty sure I waxed/shave less than a week ago.


Dear person comparing period cramps with diarrhoea cramps,
You're saying it can't be that bad? No uterus? No opinion!!!


Dear People magazine,
You obviously got it all wrong! 2011 was clearly the year of Ryan Gosling! Bradley Cooper is so 2010 and a bore.


Dear Ryan Gosling, 
I can only assume you turned down People's "Sexiest man alive" title and let Bradley Cooper have the honour. That was so noble of you. I know you have better things to do. You have feminist wisdom to spout, an awesome dog to walk, epic movies to make, art fights to stop, tumblrs and blogs to inspire. Props to you Ryan!


Dear boy that I tutor,
Please don't come into my personal space, the invisible bubble that is psychologically mine.

Dear friends who’ve borrowed books from me and haven’t yet returned them,

Just a friendly reminder to return them when you’ve read them. I’m waiting on these: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets, Empire of the Sun,  Pride and Prejudice, Marley and me, Cat and mouse, The Shack, and Perfume: Story of a murderer. Merci!

Dear Lulu,

Thank you for getting fur all over my clothes. Because people need to know I belong to you. Thank you for lying on my covers when I have to make the bed. Because I probs don’t need to anyway. Thank you for watching Ryan-a-thon with me. You’re right. He is quite something, isn’t he? I just wish you were able to open the door for me when I sneak in at 3am in the morning.